In Training

Reader Warning:  Sit back with a big mug of coffee.  This is a long one!  :-)

It was September 13th, time for my morning walk at 6:40am and it was raining.  Hard.  Do I just go ahead and "git-er-done" or stay warm and dry in my house?  The forecast called for rain in a couple of days during the Color Run 5K.  What better way to prepare for a 5K walk in the rain than to actually walk that morning in the rain?  As I walked, I noticed that I wasn't as concerned about my pace as I normally would be.  I just needed to make it through the downpour.  And I did.  Soaked to the core, I finished at my garage door feeling a sense of accomplishment that had nothing to do with speed.

Months and months ago, I signed up for my very first in the history of my life 5K.  The Color Run- The Happiest 5K on the Planet! 

In my own little "Stephanie World", I had dreams of crossing the finish line covered in the cornstarch colors of orange, yellow, blue, and pink, grinning from ear to ear as I caught the teary eyes of my proud cheering husband. My 100 pound smaller body would then be engulfed in his embrace as he said over and over again how proud he was of me.  All in slow motion to the soundtrack of "Chariots of Fire".

Okay, so "Stephanie World" is a little too dramatic.  A Lot Too Dramatic. 

September 15th, the long awaited 5K Day, arrived and reality set in.  Yes, I did cross the finish line covered in color, but my husband wasn't there.  Now, don't be too hard on Troy.  He had Sunday morning obligations that kept him from standing at the finish line.  And we had already discussed the fact that he wouldn't be present when my 3.1 miles were complete.  My body was 83 pounds smaller.  Seventeen pounds away from that image I had dreamed about.  And although I felt as if I were walking in slow motion when long-legged men in tutus (a common sight at the Color Run 5K)sprinted past, there was no soundtrack of instrumental glory at this grand finale.

In all fairness, I have to let you know, I had a wonderfully fun time at the Color Run with the encouragement and company of my great friend and fellow 5K walker, Jenni.  She has been a source of major inspiration, encouragement, and strength in my life.  I'm so blessed to count her as my friend. 

Signing up for the 5K months and months ago, I remember thinking, "I hope I will be able to walk 3.1 miles by September."  Well, by September,  I realized that I COULD walk 3.1 miles.  Heck, I could walk 5 miles!  This should have made me feel a since of accomplishment, but instead, I felt that the 5K was a little anti-climatic.  I knew I could walk it, why did I have to do it with a crowd of rainbow colored people?  "Because," God spoke to my heart, "this was a tangible celebration of what you didn't think you could do.  Now you know you can do much more." 

Remember that warning posted at the beginning of this post?  This is your second warning:  This post is not about the 5K.  :)

No, this "In Training" post is not about the September 15th day of color.  This is about what God has shown me in the midst of all of this. 

Months ago, Troy applied for the position of Associate Pastor of Administration and Adults at our church, Creekside Bible Church.  (I've since started calling this the Triple A position.)  At the time, I remember thinking, "I hope I will be able to step into this role of Pastor's Wife if Troy is hired." 

Anyone who knows my past would scoff at the idea of me stepping into that role.  Nobody knows my past better than me.  And scoff, I did!  In fact, I started having some major doubts about my ability to deal with the fish bowl of ministry life.  What if I say or do something that would be detrimental to Troy?  What if someone drags up my numerous past mistakes to prove that I am not worthy of this position?  What if I just can't do it?  I cried out to God with all of these questions and insecurities.  And the Holy Spirit stepped in as my Trainer. 

I love my quiet time.  But to be perfectly honest, sometimes quiet time is just about reading my "daily bible reading" in order to finish the bible within the year.  Lately, my Trainer has turned my quiet time into so much more.  In fact, my quiet time hasn't been during my set aside "Quiet Time" at all! 

It started with downloading a couple of books from the local library to my phone to listen to while I walked.  My downloads were thought provoking but not spiritual.  I finished them and started searching for some new titles.  Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis was a title I kept seeing as an option.  I would skip it and go on to other, more interesting, titles.  Until a couple of weeks ago.  I felt a prompting from my Trainer and finally downloaded this classic and started listening to it during my walks and while cleaning the house.  Wow!  Why had I let this small book of wisdom slip through my life without catching hold?  I loved it.  But what I loved most, was that it whet my appetite for more, more about God, more about my walk with God.  I finished this book in record time and looked for more.  Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst and Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman were the next two. 

Lysa reminded me of the spiritual truths that were/are the basis of my weight loss journey.  The Holy Spirit used her book to confirm and remind me of these. 

Not a Fan kind of rocked my spiritual world.  It was as if I had settled into a "training" that I was comfortable with, and my Trainer kicked it up a notch.  And by "kicked it up a notch", I mean that He KICKED IT UP A NOTCH!  By the end of that book, I realized that God is stirring something in me that is big, really big!  Too big for me....a God-sized big.  He has only given me a tiny glimpse, and I can't wait to see how He is going to accomplish it. 

(At this point, I have to tell you that energy is surging through me in such a way that I have had to stop typing a few times to shiver.)

Now to tie all this together.....

As my Trainer, God has been working in my thoughts.  Any time my focus veers off Him, I'm in danger of letting my thoughts be selfish, critical, and world centered.  That's not only detrimental to Troy, but harmful to me and to my ministry.  God is training me to capture EVERY thought and turn it over to Him.  He is showing me that He is to be my all in all.  No human can fill that need.  Not even Troy.  When Troy couldn't be there for the 5K, I admit, I was upset at the idea that this was the beginning of a long road of ministry obligations taking precedence over our time together.  I know that God values our time together and will allow our marriage to be strengthened with quality time.  But I also now realize that when my thoughts start down the selfish, poor me road, I need to remember my training sessions and focus solely on God.

He has been showing me that my past, my walk through the rain, was part of the training I would need to minister to the women who will cross my path.  The women who are trying to keep up the pace while being drenched with the downpour.   Did God want me to make the sinful mistakes I made?  Absolutely not!  But I really feel that He's ultimately using them for good.

The Holy Spirit has calmed my anxiety about this new role by reminding me that it's not by my strength but His that I can live in the fish bowl.  When I'm relying on HIS strength, this ministry life is a walk in the park.  (Or a 3.1 mile walk, when I could really walk at least 5.) 

God has made me for even more.  I know it.  I feel it.