Love the Possibility

Contentment. I have a love/hate relationship with that word. It's been a life-long struggle. At 3 years old, I distinctly remember seeing the tiny sibling bundle presented to me and thinking, "I didn't want that. I like being the sole object of your parental affection." And then another sibling came along 15 months later. And my parents did not name her my clearly superior name of Liza Jane.

I remember at the age of 6, staring down the dirt road in front of our house. My mind was abuzz with the possibilities of traveling all the way down that road until I found pavement and then taking that "Yellow Brick Road" wherever it led. This feeling of wunderlust followed me through college (even after I knew where the black top ended.)

Unfortunately, as a child, I didn't fully appreciate the sibling relationships. My brother and sister were good friends to each other. I was just the "older sister". I didn't cherish those years growing up in a home where I felt loved, protected, and encouraged to follow that dirt road because I was always looking for the next thing.

I fear that I'm doing the same thing now. God has blessed me with a husband who respects, loves, and adores me. I live in a house much too big for two people. I work outside this home only as much as I want to. I have family members who tell everyone about their daughter/sister/grandaughter/neice who lives "like a princess" in a huge house in Colorado.

And what am I doing tonight?

Sulking. Because we don't have extra money to totally remodel and redecorate our house. Pouting. Because Troy is not interested in going to an art class with me. Frowning. Because I watched a program about Disney World and have never visited the happiest place on earth. Sighing. Because I have dishes downstairs that are only going to clean themselves if I put them on the racks of the dishwasher.

Feeling Disgusted at Myself. Because God keeps pouring out his blessings on me and I keep saying, "Got anything better?"

Contentment. Love the possibility, hate the reality.

Thanks for listening. Check's in the mail. :)