Through events authored and organized by God, I was invited to a small women's group to view a DVD in which Beth Moore taught from Daniel chapters 2 and 3. The conviction I felt when watching that television screen caused my toes to curl. Really, I was trying to keep them from being stepped on. Over and over again.
Beth pointed out two things that spoke to my heart. First, these three men refused to bow to an image and refused to worship the Babylonian gods. She pointed out that often, when we feel God is not following through, we bow to the gods of self-pity, bitterness, and unbelief. Second, these three men came through that fiery furnace and didn't even smell of smoke. She used the example of someone who has been brought by God through a trial, but is still bitter about the trial. That person still "smells like smoke" because they exude the hardship through every pore.
I confess, when I dwell on the fact that God has not blessed Troy and I with children, I have bowed to the gods of self-pity, bitterness, and unbelief. Many, many times. And when I finally drag myself off the ground and look up, God is still there, with open arms. Ready to accept my anger, hurt, rejection, and finally my tearful plea for forgiveness.
I have also been guilty of "smelling like smoke". One of the first things people learn about me is that I don't have children. I immediately label myself as the poor, barren, unfulfilled wife. Do you smell something? I do. I think I can even see the wispy swirls of gray still rising from my heart.
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego told King Nebuchadnezzar that even if God did not deliver them from the furnace, they would still worship only Him. Wow! So, with God's help, I resolve not to bow to those gods I have harbored in my heart for way too long. I will ask to be filled with the Holy Spirit rather than seek that elusive fulfillment of motherhood. God may never bless me with children. But I will still worship Him only.
"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever."
Psalm 30:11-12
1 comment:
Oh, friend. This is deep stuff. I wrote a huge, long thing about walking through infertility and the scars it leaves years later--even if children eventually come--after I read your post. Thanks for sharing. For the record, I still avoid Mother's Day at church. I also realized there's still some smoke in me yet....So much more to say....Love you MUCH!
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