"You're not following God's will. With thoughts like that, how can you call yourself a Christian? You're not good enough. You can't possibly think you are pleasing God! How dare you talk to people about God's love when you can't even show it."
And the storm raged.
Intellectually, I knew these thoughts were not from God. And my brain tried desperately to open the umbrella of head knowledge against the ravaging winds. But the mediocre attempt at shelter was shredded to bits and the storm raged on.
I awoke this morning feeling the after-effects of the storm. My heart was soaked to the core and heavy. My emotions were exposed and tender. The cloud had settled in for the day and was drizzling sadness. I didn't want to talk. I didn't even say goodbye to Troy as I left for my morning walk. He left for work before I returned and I was fine with that. I just didn't want to communicate. I was afraid if I opened my mouth, the dark cloud would spill out on everyone. I couldn't deal with that responsibility.
Eating breakfast, I thought about my day and my daunting task list. "I'll feel better if I am productive," I decided.
Then I felt God whispering in my heart,"Quit doing."
"But..."
"Quit doing."
"How?"
"Quit doing."
So I took my Bible and my headphones out to the patio.
I stretched out on the cushioned patio chair, using another chair as an ottoman. I selected "Beach Radio" on Pandora and allowed the soothing instrumental music to flow through the headphones into my brain. I read my Bible for a short amount of time. Then, I leaned my head back and let the morning sunshine warm my skin.
I thought about the character of God. How He doesn't condemn me. How He doesn't accuse me. How He loves me. Period. He loves me. He doesn't love me more because I am walking the "straight and narrow". He doesn't love me less because I rebelliously jumped off the road of His will and slid down the slippery slope into the pit of self-doubt.
I can't do any more or any less to change His feelings about me.
The hailstorm of accusations that pelted me yesterday was giving way to the truth of God's love.
A calmness of the light of truth was breaking through the cloud, driving away the sadness, and setting me free.
David Crowder Band sings it best in these lyrics from one of my favorite songs.
And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes.
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest.
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way....
He loves us.
Oh, how He loves us.
Will I have to deal with the consequences of my rebelliousness? Of course. God loves me too much to let me mistakenly think that my disobedience was swept under the rug. God's discipline (do not read discipline as punishment) is just another example of His desire for me to live a life of purpose and abundance. Another example of His love.
Oh, how He loves me.
