Confessions of a Pastor's Wife....Confession #2

I like some rated R movies.....

There, I said it. 

I'm not going to make a list of all the ones I like so as not to be the stumbling block Paul wrote about in First Corinthians.  But you will probably figure out the genre (and possibly the list) by the description I write.

Most movies that earn the R rating are not on my watch-wish list.  In fact, the majority are not.  I abhor movies that are violent just to be violent.  I detest movies that mock the sacredness of marriage.  Also, I am not a fan of movies filled with crude humor.  So, as you can see, the list of movies with this rating is small and select.

The movies I like are those that depict lives of people who genuinely care about each other.  Whether it be the relationship between parent and child, between friends, or between spouses.  I love relationship movies.  And not just any relationship movies.  I adore movies that follow the interactions of these people as the relationship lasts through good and bad, through thick and thin, through sick and sin.  What I find most intriguing about the story line of these movies is that love and friendship are a priority.  Even when one party is acting in a way that makes the relationship undesirable.  They stick it out.  They muddle through to the other side of the problem. 

I wonder if the reason I love these movies is that this quality is one I lack.  The ability to stick it out.  To love someone no matter what.  The bible tells us to "Love Thy Neighbor"  and "Love One Another".  "God SO Loved the World....".  If that is to be my charge and my example, I'm not living up to the standard.  Do I love the unlovable?  Do I encourage those who are struggling?

Unfortunately, I often find myself thinking, "Sucks to be you."

I've thought about this a lot in the last few hours. I finished watching one of these movies (written and directed by the same man who wrote and/or directed the majority of the other "R" movies on my most watched list).   I wondered what drew me to these handful of movies in which the characters often use unbecoming language, insinuate inappropriate behavior, and sometimes participate in this inappropriate behavior.  What would appeal to a "good Christian girl" about these movies?  Maybe, I like the ability to legally stalk these characters through their lives.  Through weddings (maybe four in one movie) and funerals (only one in the four wedding movie).  And through life in between. 

But I think it boils down to the desire to love and be loved.  NO MATTER WHAT. 

I am blessed to have experienced this kind of unconditional love in my life.  Purely, from God.  And humanly, from several people who have stuck by me through sick and sin.  Maybe these movies remind me of the relationships in my own life that have weathered the storms.  Maybe they convict me of the desire God has placed in me to be more loving.


So, there.  I've confessed that I watch rated R movies.  But only those that are about love....actually.  And it's about time I said it. 

;-)

Caribbean Blue....Wilsons On Vacation!

It's taken me almost a week to get my pictures off my camera and phone.  It's also taken me that long just to organize my thoughts.  Let's just say that I've been in a post-vacation lull.  Thank goodness Troy and I both understood the need to have a few days of rest back at home before jumping into the normal routine.  Otherwise, the term "zombie" would have been used to describe our overall demeanor.  Troy went back to work today.  This was the first time in his working life that he's had a two week vacation.  (Well, one that didn't involve moving half-way across the United States.)  He left this morning feeling refreshed and invigorated.  Praise God!

So, here I sit, trying to figure out how to describe the vacation we honestly never imagined we would take. 

Day One, 6/7/14:
We left our house at 9am.  We were so excited!  This day had been anticipated for months. 

We flew to Tampa, Florida and stayed the night in a really nice hotel near the airport, not far from the dock where the Carnival Legend would meet us the next morning.

Day Two, 6/8/14:
Embarkation was a breeze!  By the time we made it to the check in area, our state room was ready for us, so we were able to immediately check out our room, the balcony, and make our first exploratory trek of the ship. 

Before we could leave Tampa, we had to have the safety instruction.  (We now know not to be some of the first people to line up.) We were packed like sardines on a deck with about 500 other sweaty vacationers while we listened to the crew talk to us about life jackets and life boats.  If we cruise again, we will take our leisurely time making our way to the muster so that we're not smooshed against the wall by four rows of people. 

As we left Florida, locals were lined up on the shore and in their own boats, waving and shouting, "Woohoo!"  It made the send off even more enjoyable.

Troy checking out our balcony.

First of many balcony moments.

 

Leaving Tampa...

 

Still Leaving Tampa.... :-)

Sailing under the Sunshine Skyway Bridge.

 

 

Day 3, 6/9/14:

Sea day.  Troy and I spent the day exploring more of the ship, sitting in the sun on the "Adult Only" Serenity Deck, and admiring the view from the balcony.  Totally enjoyed this relaxing cruise time.



 

Finally, no land in sight.

Faint, but beautiful Caribbean Rainbow

 

 

Day 4, 6/10/14:

My choice of excursion day!!!  And since I'm such a go-gettter, adventurous type, I planned a day of hanging out on the beach of a private resort in Cozumel, Mexico. :-) We were pampered and waited on by an amazing staff at the La Casa En La Playa Resort.  One of my favorite days of the whole trip.

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, that is a bed on the beach.  Yes, I used it to catch some rays.

 

Awww, the good life.

 

Drink in my hand and....

 

Toes in the sand!

 

After a bit of shopping (for a floppy hat), we headed back to the ship.









Walking back to the ship.  Three ships were docked in Cozumel.  Busy day!

 

 

Day 5, 6/11/14:

Troy's choice of excursion day:  Exploring the Mayan Ruins, lunch, and a tour of the River Wallace in Belize.  This was our most strenuous day.  But I felt so proud that I was physically able to enjoy the whole experience. 

 

Our ship was anchored a thirty minute tender boat ride from Belize.  The tender boat ride was an experience.  I felt like I was riding along with the pirates in the movie "Captain Phillips".  Troy told me to look at the face of this woman riding with us.  She looked panicked:  pursed lips, wide eyes, and pale face.  He then told me that I looked exactly like that.  And yes, I was a little worried about the safety of this crazy tender trip. 

 

We arrived in Belize city and immediately boarded a bus that took us to the Mayan ruins.  The tour guides were very honest about the poverty in Belize.  It was eye-opening to see the makeshift shack/homes along the ride.  One of the guides asked us how much we paid for a gallon of gas in the US.  One of the passengers said, "Four dollars."  The guide pointed out that the gas stations in Belize don't advertise the gas prices because they don't want to scare customers off.  (She never told us how much it was.) 

 

The Mayan Ruins were arranged in two "courtyard" type areas, next to each other.  There were large and not so large structures around the perimeter of these huge courtyards.  We were encouraged to climb to the top of two structures during the tour.  The last structure was the Temple of the Sun God.  A little intimidating, let me tell you.  But I DID IT!  Climbed to the very tip top!

 

After the humid, hot, mosquito infested (thank goodness we brought bug spray), but very exciting and interesting Mayan Ruin tour, we boarded the bus and made our way to the Black Orchid Resort to eat a local favorite lunch of beans, rice, and roasted chicken.  So yummy! 

 

We then boarded the River Wallace tour boat to see the wildlife along the river.  We saw two monkeys rolled up in little furry balls sleeping in the trees, three crocodiles, storks standing in their nest, the hanging/swinging nests of the Montezuma Oropendola birds in the palm trees, and several iguanas making themselves at home along the river bank. 

 

After a full day of adventure, we were glad to be back on the ship to relax as the ship traveled to Isla Roatan.

 

First and smaller structure to climb.

 

We made it.  The Temple of the Sun God is in the background.

 

Our guide in front of the Temple to the Sun God.

Look closely and you can see one of the faces carved in the temple.

 

At the top!

 

View from the top of the temple.

 

Black Orchid Resort for Lunch

 

The River Wallace before boarding the tour boat.

 

Sleeping Monkey

 

Crocodile

 

Storks

 Hanging Nests

 Chillin' in some body's back yard.

Day 6, 6/12/14:
Initially, we had planned not to get off the ship in Roatan.  But our very informative cabin steward, Elena, encouraged us to give it a try.  And we are glad we did.  Mahogany Bay is a Carnival exclusive stop.  We rode the "Magical Beach Chair" to and from the beach and strolled along the shopping area.  Such a pretty, un-rushed experience.

View of Roatan from the balcony.

 

Another view from the balcony.

 

Not my favorite picture of me, but oh well.

 

Riding the "chair"

 

The ship as seen from the "chair"

 

Almost to the beach

Such vibrant colors on the Islands.

 

 

Day 7, 6/13/14:

Yes, it was Friday the 13th.  AND there was a full moon.  The sea was a little choppy, Troy says that it wasn't rough.  I kept waking during the night of the 12th, rocking back and forth in bed.  Troy said it was soothing to him.  Not so much for me.  I was very, very sleepy the next day which is why there are so few pictures of Grand Cayman.  We took a 3 minute tender boat ride to the island, did some souvenir shopping, and sent postcards from the Grand Cayman post office.  I have never seen more beautiful clear, turquoise water as I did in the Cayman Islands.

 

Me in front of the famous Stingray Fountain.

 

 Finally found someone to take a picture of both of us.



 The fish next to our tender boat

 

 

Day 8, 6/14/14:

Sea day.  Heading back to Tampa.  We spent the day totally relaxing and packing.  Each night, as we were at dinner, our cabin steward would turn down the bed, leave us a schedule for the next day with two chocolates, and bless us with a towel sculpture.

 

Admittedly, I had to ask Elena what this sculpture was.  It's a rabbit. 

I think it's doing a Playboy Bunny pose.  :)



 Day 9, 6/15/14:
We arrived in Tampa, ate breakfast and readied ourselves for debarkation.  This process was a little long, but wasn't unbearable.  We had a long wait at the Tampa Airport before boarding our flight to Charlotte, NC.  Then we finally boarded our flight to Denver at 10:30 Eastern Time.  Thankfully, we were both able to doze during the three hour flight to Denver.  After baggage claim, a shuttle ride, and a fast grocery stop, we arrived home to our tail-wagging dogs at 2:30am Monday morning.  And we've been in a blissful daze ever since.

Like I said before, we never imagined that we would be able to take a trip like this and God has blessed us far beyond our expectation.  We may never get to take another one.  But we have such good memories.  Some of our favorites were:  sitting on the balcony at night, listening to the ocean, and feeling the warm breeze as the ship sailed; the Studio VIP musical show in the Follies Lounge; the ability to go for a midnight soft serve ice cream cone run; experiencing new places and new cultures; and making these memories together!

Confessions of a Pastor's Wife

This blog post may be the first of a series of posts I write concerning the secret thoughts of a pastor's wife.  On the scale of "scandalous-ness", these confessions are quite mild.  But on the scale of "that's not how a pastor's wife is supposed to think and act", they might be off the chart.

I'm working on a decorating project that has my full attention and delight.  I told Troy last night that I really wanted to just stay home from church and work on it all day.  This was after we had stayed up a little late and watched a movie.  He told me to do just that....take a Sunday off from church...enjoy a craft day.  I told him I couldn't. 

But I should have.

I was SO tired this morning.  I was having a not-so-perfect hair day.  I was cold.  I had forgotten my huge travel mug of coffee at home (which added to the sleepiness).  And I had a really annoying hole in my sock. 

I was miserable. 

I struggled to stay awake during the sermon (even though it was a good, thought provoking message).  I couldn't put two words together to verbally complete thoughts and I was really not good company. 

But here is the most embarrassing confession:  I hid in the bathroom stall after church services today until everyone had left the bathroom so that I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. 

It wasn't that I didn't want to visit.  I just literally was having a hard time focusing and forming words.  It was just too hard.  So I played the avoidance card. 

So, the next time you stop your pastor's wife at church to talk to her and she seems a little less than jovial, please extend her some grace.  She's human and she probably should have just stayed at home.  :)

Joining God

Yesterday, during my prayer time, I asked God to open my eyes to His work around me.  To let me see what He was doing so that I could join in. 

Within the last 24 hours, I have been made aware of TWO miraculous acts of healing God has orchestrated.  These two prayer requests have been on my lips and heart for the past few weeks. 

Basically, God answered my prayer to see His work so that I could join with Him this way:  "Stephanie, you join Me in My work when you are in prayer/communication with Me."

This reminds me of something I read from The Message last week, "In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do."

AMEN!

Loved On

My five senses are on overload.  Actually, my sixth sense (if that's the one that feels God's presence) is working at high speed too. 

I've peeled and cored enough apples to fill two crock pots in anticipation of applesauce in about 8 hours.  I can still smell their harvest sweetness on my hands. 

A lit candle, so sweetly given to me by a friend, is filling the house with an aroma that fills my thoughts with all things autumn.

I sit in the curve of our bay window as I admire the way the sunlight filtering through the pine needles of the majestic tree in the front yard casts a soft light on the living room floor.

The dogs have had their morning meal and some backyard time.  They are sprawled across the couch to catch some morning z's.

I am listening to a book that reminds me to praise and give thanks to God who is more than worthy of thanks and all praise.

I'm in awe that the all powerful, all knowing, all seeing Creator is loving on me today.  Not just loving me, as He does every moment of every day.  But He's loving ON me.  I feel it.  And I can't help but love Him back.

I'm Fine, Really

In addition to cleaning house today (on this, my normal cleaning day).  I also moved everything out of the dining room.  Then I washed chair covers and drapes. And washed windows and walls.  AND scrubbed baseboards.  AND DID PAINT TOUCH UP. 

Before you call the men with the white jackets to take me away, please note that I'm getting some deep cleaning done before holiday entertaining begins.  And most importantly, I'm trying to work off that Stupid Halloween Candy before weigh in tomorrow.

Must keep moving.  Must keep moving.

Crying in the Shower

It was all crashing in on me. 

Yes, I said I would do this.  Yes, I said I would do that. 

They didn't seem overwhelming at the time.  Each.  Separately.  

But This + That +  Weariness = A Good Cry in the Shower.

That's what happened Sunday morning.  And I really needed it.

I plugged in the night light, turned off the glaring overhead lights, and ran the warm-almost-too-hot shower.   The steam-filled semi-lit room, the stinging heat of the water on my skin, and the release of pent up tears calmed my nerves.  The concoction was a healing balm for my raw emotional state.

As I leaned forward against the shower wall, face in hands, water streaming down my head and my back, I started praying, "I don't know if I can do this.  God, did you really call me to this position as a pastor's wife?  You know I get so overwhelmed so easily.  Why did you do this to me?" 

I cried....

I cried silently until the lump formed in my throat that urged me to sob.  Loudly.  But I didn't. 

I thought about all the patriarchs and matriarchs in the bible who stepped out of their comfort zone.  They not only stepped, they LEAPED!  I thought about the prophets who were asked to do so much by God.  And they did it. 

I thought about Troy in the next room, studying for the Sunday School lesson he was going to be teaching for two hours straight.  I thought of all the pressure he had been under lately with his present job and the preparation for this new position.  I thought about the fact that he was doing all this while also taking a seminary class.  I thought about his supernatural ability to find patience and understanding for me during this crazy transitional time.

I thought about the bible verse, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." 

And then God spoke to my heart, "All done?" 

And I said, "Yep."

Several minutes later, I stepped out of the shower, wrapped myself in terry cloth softness and prayed, "Let's do this thing."

A Block of Wood

Isaiah 44: 14-19
He cuts down cedars, or perhaps took a cypress or oak.  He let it grow among the trees of the forest, or planted a pine, and made it grow.  It is man's fuel for burning; some of it he takes and warms himself and says, "Ah!  I am warm;  I see the fire."  From the rest he makes a god, his idol;  he bows down to it and worships.  He prays to it and says, "Save me; you are my god."  They know nothing, they understand nothing;  their eyes are plastered over so they cannot see, and their minds closed so they cannot understand.  No one stops to think, no one has the knowledge or understanding to say, "Half or it I used for fuel; I even baked bread over its coals, I roasted meat and I ate.  Shall I make a detestable thing from what is left?  Shall I bow down to a block of wood?"

Earlier this morning, I opened the fridge and was face to face with a "block" of cookie dough.  And the conversation in my head went something like this...
"Oh cookie dough!  You are exactly what I NEED!  I have a cold and just need to be comforted. I comforted myself most of the day yesterday with food and I feel no better now.  In fact, I feel worse!  Not only physically but emotionally.  But today is a new day and I'm sure you won't let me down today."

And then, God reminded me of this scripture passage that I have giggled about in the past.  How stupid to think that a god made out of the left over block of wood could listen, speak, heal, comfort, or do anything but just be a block of wood!  Hmmm...block of wood, block of cookie dough, block of cheese, cheese dip, any kind of dip with chips.  It's all nothing but a block of wood.  Shall I bow down to a block of wood?

God made the wood for good use.  Just as he made food for good use.  It's the abuse of that material/fuel that turns it into a detestable thing.  I needed this reminder today. 

In Training

Reader Warning:  Sit back with a big mug of coffee.  This is a long one!  :-)

It was September 13th, time for my morning walk at 6:40am and it was raining.  Hard.  Do I just go ahead and "git-er-done" or stay warm and dry in my house?  The forecast called for rain in a couple of days during the Color Run 5K.  What better way to prepare for a 5K walk in the rain than to actually walk that morning in the rain?  As I walked, I noticed that I wasn't as concerned about my pace as I normally would be.  I just needed to make it through the downpour.  And I did.  Soaked to the core, I finished at my garage door feeling a sense of accomplishment that had nothing to do with speed.

Months and months ago, I signed up for my very first in the history of my life 5K.  The Color Run- The Happiest 5K on the Planet! 

In my own little "Stephanie World", I had dreams of crossing the finish line covered in the cornstarch colors of orange, yellow, blue, and pink, grinning from ear to ear as I caught the teary eyes of my proud cheering husband. My 100 pound smaller body would then be engulfed in his embrace as he said over and over again how proud he was of me.  All in slow motion to the soundtrack of "Chariots of Fire".

Okay, so "Stephanie World" is a little too dramatic.  A Lot Too Dramatic. 

September 15th, the long awaited 5K Day, arrived and reality set in.  Yes, I did cross the finish line covered in color, but my husband wasn't there.  Now, don't be too hard on Troy.  He had Sunday morning obligations that kept him from standing at the finish line.  And we had already discussed the fact that he wouldn't be present when my 3.1 miles were complete.  My body was 83 pounds smaller.  Seventeen pounds away from that image I had dreamed about.  And although I felt as if I were walking in slow motion when long-legged men in tutus (a common sight at the Color Run 5K)sprinted past, there was no soundtrack of instrumental glory at this grand finale.

In all fairness, I have to let you know, I had a wonderfully fun time at the Color Run with the encouragement and company of my great friend and fellow 5K walker, Jenni.  She has been a source of major inspiration, encouragement, and strength in my life.  I'm so blessed to count her as my friend. 

Signing up for the 5K months and months ago, I remember thinking, "I hope I will be able to walk 3.1 miles by September."  Well, by September,  I realized that I COULD walk 3.1 miles.  Heck, I could walk 5 miles!  This should have made me feel a since of accomplishment, but instead, I felt that the 5K was a little anti-climatic.  I knew I could walk it, why did I have to do it with a crowd of rainbow colored people?  "Because," God spoke to my heart, "this was a tangible celebration of what you didn't think you could do.  Now you know you can do much more." 

Remember that warning posted at the beginning of this post?  This is your second warning:  This post is not about the 5K.  :)

No, this "In Training" post is not about the September 15th day of color.  This is about what God has shown me in the midst of all of this. 

Months ago, Troy applied for the position of Associate Pastor of Administration and Adults at our church, Creekside Bible Church.  (I've since started calling this the Triple A position.)  At the time, I remember thinking, "I hope I will be able to step into this role of Pastor's Wife if Troy is hired." 

Anyone who knows my past would scoff at the idea of me stepping into that role.  Nobody knows my past better than me.  And scoff, I did!  In fact, I started having some major doubts about my ability to deal with the fish bowl of ministry life.  What if I say or do something that would be detrimental to Troy?  What if someone drags up my numerous past mistakes to prove that I am not worthy of this position?  What if I just can't do it?  I cried out to God with all of these questions and insecurities.  And the Holy Spirit stepped in as my Trainer. 

I love my quiet time.  But to be perfectly honest, sometimes quiet time is just about reading my "daily bible reading" in order to finish the bible within the year.  Lately, my Trainer has turned my quiet time into so much more.  In fact, my quiet time hasn't been during my set aside "Quiet Time" at all! 

It started with downloading a couple of books from the local library to my phone to listen to while I walked.  My downloads were thought provoking but not spiritual.  I finished them and started searching for some new titles.  Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis was a title I kept seeing as an option.  I would skip it and go on to other, more interesting, titles.  Until a couple of weeks ago.  I felt a prompting from my Trainer and finally downloaded this classic and started listening to it during my walks and while cleaning the house.  Wow!  Why had I let this small book of wisdom slip through my life without catching hold?  I loved it.  But what I loved most, was that it whet my appetite for more, more about God, more about my walk with God.  I finished this book in record time and looked for more.  Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst and Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman were the next two. 

Lysa reminded me of the spiritual truths that were/are the basis of my weight loss journey.  The Holy Spirit used her book to confirm and remind me of these. 

Not a Fan kind of rocked my spiritual world.  It was as if I had settled into a "training" that I was comfortable with, and my Trainer kicked it up a notch.  And by "kicked it up a notch", I mean that He KICKED IT UP A NOTCH!  By the end of that book, I realized that God is stirring something in me that is big, really big!  Too big for me....a God-sized big.  He has only given me a tiny glimpse, and I can't wait to see how He is going to accomplish it. 

(At this point, I have to tell you that energy is surging through me in such a way that I have had to stop typing a few times to shiver.)

Now to tie all this together.....

As my Trainer, God has been working in my thoughts.  Any time my focus veers off Him, I'm in danger of letting my thoughts be selfish, critical, and world centered.  That's not only detrimental to Troy, but harmful to me and to my ministry.  God is training me to capture EVERY thought and turn it over to Him.  He is showing me that He is to be my all in all.  No human can fill that need.  Not even Troy.  When Troy couldn't be there for the 5K, I admit, I was upset at the idea that this was the beginning of a long road of ministry obligations taking precedence over our time together.  I know that God values our time together and will allow our marriage to be strengthened with quality time.  But I also now realize that when my thoughts start down the selfish, poor me road, I need to remember my training sessions and focus solely on God.

He has been showing me that my past, my walk through the rain, was part of the training I would need to minister to the women who will cross my path.  The women who are trying to keep up the pace while being drenched with the downpour.   Did God want me to make the sinful mistakes I made?  Absolutely not!  But I really feel that He's ultimately using them for good.

The Holy Spirit has calmed my anxiety about this new role by reminding me that it's not by my strength but His that I can live in the fish bowl.  When I'm relying on HIS strength, this ministry life is a walk in the park.  (Or a 3.1 mile walk, when I could really walk at least 5.) 

God has made me for even more.  I know it.  I feel it. 

Let Me Tell You...

Let me tell you... about a woman who had given up.  She had given up on love.  She had given up on happiness.  But most importantly, she had given up on God.  Actually, she mistakenly believed God had given up on her.  She had prayed and prayed for a Christian husband who would be her best friend, her confidant.  Someone she could respect.  Someone who would love her through all her insecurities.  And at the ripe old age of 32, she had given up.  She had even gone so far as to do everything God had told her not to do for her own good.  She was beyond rebellious.  She was a living, breathing prodigal daughter of the Living God. 

Let me tell you... about a man who had given up.  He had tried and tried to do what he thought was best, but with no compass to show him the way.  In his path, he had left broken relationships and broken dreams.  His mother, his shelter from the storm, had passed away, leaving him empty and vulnerable.  He felt that his life was a total failure.  Not for lack of trying, but for lack of purpose. 

Let me tell you... a love story.  It's not the story you expect.  It's a love story only God could pen.  He took this rebellious daughter and this purpose-less man and joined them together in matrimony.  And they did NOT live happily...at least for several months.  This prodigal daughter still longed for the Christian husband (which was not the man) and this man still sought the compass (which was not the woman).  The union (and this story) would have ended in disaster had God given up.  But He didn't.  That's the real love story.  God worked in and through each of these individuals in miraculous ways.  He placed godly men and women in the midst of this marriage.  They pointed the man to the one and only true compass.  They gently led the daughter back to the loving arms of her Father.  The man became a Believer and realized that God had a purpose planned for him before the beginning of time.  The woman realized that God had a Christian husband planned for her before the beginning of time.   That's the true love story. 

Let me tell you... how the story gets even better.  On Sunday, the 29th of this month, the local church body that this man and woman worship with and love, will be gathered in a special business meeting to vote on three very important decisions.  They will be voting to approve two elder candidates to the position of elders (one of which is the man). 

And they will be voting to approve the Elder Board's Recommendation for the new Associate Pastor......... 

Let me tell you... about God.  He doesn't give up.  He doesn't give up on a directionless man.  He doesn't give up on a rebellious daughter.  So no matter the outcome of the vote.  This man has found his purpose and will continue to pursue it with a passion.  This woman has found that she is loved beyond measure and will continue to bask in that truth. 

God doesn't give up.

The Experiment

About four months ago, I jumped head first into the gluten free world.  The plan was to eat gluten free for a period of time to see if the results would improve Troy's back and intestinal issues. Troy had also talked to co-workers who, after abstaining from gluten, felt more mentally sharp and didn't feel the "fogginess" that he often felt.

I honestly didn't think it would dramatically change my health.  I had recently lost a significant amount of weight and had starting a walking regimen.  My hip, knee, and ankle joints were in pain most of the time, but that was to be expected when one hasn't exercised to that extent in too many years.

So we gave up our number one comfort food in May.  I was riddled with anxiety and excitement. 

Within the first month, we both saw improvement in our overall health.  Not to extent that I had hoped, but improvement none the less. 

Troy still had his same health problems along with the foggy feeling.  This prompted a visit to the doctor which resulted in a change in medication.  The change in medication helped somewhat.  The biggest improvement with Troy over the next few months was that he was losing weight for the first time in years.  We have since decided that this is mostly due to the fact that he doesn't, on a whim, stop at McDonald's or go out to lunch with co-workers as often.  We also don't have bread at restaurants.

I noticed that my hip and ankle pain was virtually gone.  The nights spent tossing and turning because of my hips were a thing of the past.  My left knee still ached (and still does) but I really think more weight loss will ease that pain. 

Four months in, the new has worn off.  We miss "normal" hot dog and hamburger buns.  We miss being able to go anywhere and order anything off the menu we want.  We miss deep dish pizza.  I personally miss my all time favorite, 4 WW point frozen breakfast burrito made with a flour tortilla. 

So, the experiment began.  I bought four of my favorite burritos and decided to eat one each day to see if I could tell a difference.  I ate one Thursday for lunch and was thrilled that I felt no crazy weird effects.  I went for my walk Friday morning and felt fine.  So I, of course, had another one Friday (yesterday) and still felt fine. "Yes!"  I thought, "I can return to a normal life.  Maybe the hip pain was just a fluke since I had just started walking."

This morning, I took off for my five mile walk.  (I've done this for the past three Saturdays.)  About half way through this morning's walk, I really thought I was going to have to call Troy to come pick me up.  My hip, knees, and ankles were really hurting!  I made it home but had to immediately take my shoes off because the top arch of my right foot was throbbing.  I had completely forgotten about this pain.  It had been an annoyance of the past that I had chalked up to bad shoes or again the new walking routine.

So, the experiment is complete and the results are in:  eating gluten will not immediately send me to the bathroom or to an early grave, but if I want to have a better quality of life without unsolicited aches and pains, I need to avoid gluten. 

Today, Troy is going to eat one of my burritos because he likes them, too.  He's pretty sure it's going to be fine. 

We'll see.

My Day Off

Thursday is my official day off, well in Stephanie World anyway.  Every other day of the week is filled with homemaking responsibilities, volunteer duties, or just general on the go craziness.  So, at the point that I became a full time house wife, I decided that Thursday was going to be aside to recharge my batteries.  Now, don't get me wrong.  Thursday is also my "catch up on laundry" day.  I need to be a little productive, other wise I will feel horrible when Friday rolls around.  But on Thursday, instead of getting out of bed and getting dressed for my morning walk (before I'm lucid enough to talk myself out of it), I lay in bed until I absolutely have to get up and pack Troy's lunch box.  I then dress in the comfies I will wear ALL DAY LONG.  No two mile walk, no walking of the dogs.  Just the blessed feeling of anticipation as I ponder my self indulgent to do list. 

I thank God that I have a husband who appreciates me and advocates for my Thursdays.  He also reaps the benefits of a wife ready to tackle the next seven days with more energy and a better attitude. 

The Calm After the Storm

About 24 hours ago, I started feeling it.  The black cloud.  The same black cloud I've felt/seen so many times in my 43 years.  The black cloud of anxiety, doubt, hopelessness, self-loathing.  I felt it coming, like the thunder and lightening that proceeds the downpour.  The warning signs were flashing and vibrating all around my thoughts yesterday.

"You're not following God's will.  With thoughts like that, how can you call yourself a Christian?  You're not good enough.  You can't possibly think you are pleasing God!  How dare you talk to people about God's love when you can't even show it." 

And the storm raged.

Intellectually, I knew these thoughts were not from God.  And my brain tried desperately to open the umbrella of head knowledge against the ravaging winds.  But the mediocre attempt at shelter was shredded to bits and the storm raged on.

I awoke this morning feeling the after-effects of the storm.  My heart was soaked to the core and heavy.  My emotions were exposed and tender.  The cloud had settled in for the day and was drizzling sadness.  I didn't want to talk.  I didn't even say goodbye to Troy as I left for my morning walk.  He left for work before I returned and I was fine with that.  I just didn't want to communicate.  I was afraid if I opened my mouth, the dark cloud would spill out on everyone.  I couldn't deal with that responsibility. 

Eating breakfast, I thought about my day and my daunting task list.  "I'll feel better if I am productive," I decided. 

Then I felt God whispering in my heart,"Quit doing."

"But..."

"Quit doing."

"How?"

"Quit doing."

So I took my Bible and my headphones out to the patio. 

I stretched out on the cushioned patio chair, using another chair as an ottoman.  I selected "Beach Radio" on Pandora and allowed the soothing instrumental music to flow through the headphones into my brain.  I read my Bible for a short amount of time.  Then, I leaned my head back and let the morning sunshine warm my skin.

I thought about the character of God.  How He doesn't condemn me.  How He doesn't accuse me.  How He loves me.  Period.  He loves me.  He doesn't love me more because I am walking the "straight and narrow".  He doesn't love me less because I rebelliously jumped off the road of His will and slid down the slippery slope into the pit of self-doubt. 

I can't do any more or any less to change His feelings about me. 

The hailstorm of accusations that pelted me yesterday was giving way to the truth of God's love. 

A calmness of the light of truth was breaking through the cloud, driving away the sadness, and setting me free.

David Crowder Band sings it best in these lyrics from one of my favorite songs.

 

And we are His portion and He is our prize,

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes.

If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

 

And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets

When I think about the way....

 

He loves us.

Oh, how He loves us.

 

 

Will I have to deal with the consequences of my rebelliousness?  Of course.  God loves me too much to let me mistakenly think that my disobedience was swept under the rug.  God's discipline (do not read discipline as punishment) is just another example of His desire for me to live a life of purpose and abundance.  Another example of His love.

 

Oh, how He loves me.   



Drum Roll, Please....

Just a few notes before you look through the before and after pictures of the kitchen:

1.  It takes me MONTHS to finish decorating a room with pictures and shelf decor because I take my time and pick up things I like in different places, at different times.  So If you thought that I would have the pictures "staged" appropriately, all I can say is, "Come for a visit in about a year."  Maybe it will be finished then.

2.  Troy warned me the color scheme I used would be dark.  And it is.  But it feels very cozy to me.  And since I'm the one in this house who spends the most time in this room, my comfort is what matters, right?

3.  There is less counter clutter!  That is, in part, due to the new FREE kitchen island storage and to the new pantry door rack.  But it's also due to the fact that I haven't yet uncluttered my dining room and placed everything back in the kitchen.  (It's on my "to do list" for today.)

Before

After

Before

 

After

Before

After